Pure Fear

Andy was home last night, which I always love. We relaxed in bed with the light on talking about our little boy and giggling in excitement. I cannot wait to see his face! I'm going to put his head in my hands and my nose an inch from his and just stare at him...saying over and over, 'you're mine, you're mine, you're mine'. While talking about whose eyes he'd have and praying he got his daddy's smart genes...it hit me! Like a heavy boulder to the face. I have to give birth to this child! I have to pass this huge baby through a very small place. Isn't there an alternative way out?!? Please...someone...tell me the stork delivering the baby in the basket, on your front porch isn't just a fairy tale story. [Just take a deep breath Mo...and...now exhale. Seriously, you have to exhale.]

I guess I knew this was coming. I knew there was going to be pain...but how bad is the pain going to be? How do you even prepare yourself? I have had a spoiled, pain-free existence these 23 years and now the worse pain of them all is a commin' and I'm absolutely freaking out. I had a glimpse of what I could handle at my Lamaze class a few months ago. Our RN showed us a video of a birth and gave us a clear understanding of the episiotomy procedure. Half way through to movie I was thinking to myself…THAT is going to happen to me??? I quickly got out a piece of paper and started to fan myself before I was sweating through my clothes. The episiotomy talk came next and I couldn’t look at the chart. Does anyone know what a third degree episiotomy is? Yea…look it up and pray it doesn’t happen to me. Ouchie.

Andy continued to talk about seeing our baby’s first smile when the fear of pain that had diluted my happy thoughts quickly spread to my face. Andy leaned in and asked if I was ok. And without a word…I broke into a hysterical set of tears that he hadn’t seen since my 1st trimester. “Baby…Are you afraid?” – Boy does he know me or what? Between my tears and my gasps for air I was able to get out…“Yes” – He pulled me in, wiped my tears and brushed off the hair the was stuck to my sweaty forehead. He assured me I was going to do great and that if he could take my place and do it for me he would in a minute. Which I’m sure he would, if he could. Unfortunately, that’s not possible…but thanks for the offer.

I eventually calmed down and started to fill myself with positive thoughts. There are tribal woman all over the world who are squatting in a tent somewhere birthing their child with out any medical attention at all. I’m sure I can handle it…I just can’t think about it. I started to pray and ask God for peace of mind. I can’t worry about this whole birth thing. I just have to trust that everything will be fine and remind myself that this is God’s plan. I know the Lord was with me in that moment and I was reminded of the way Jesus had to feel the night before his crucifixion. He knew what was coming and he knew what he had to do. His sacrifice and the birth of Colt aren’t even comparable, but it helped me put my worry in perspective. I know I can do it.

Last week I was 0% effaced and 0cms dilated and at my appointment today I was 70% effaced and 2cms dilated. I got there with no contractions or cramping. Pain-free progress. I’ll take it! I’m going to keep thinking positively and when the pain comes I’ll just breath through it and pray : ) Who knows maybe next time I'll be posting pictures of my little dude : )

p.s. Mom didn’t like the picture of her that I put in my last post. She’s a very beautiful lady and she’s right…the picture didn’t do her justice. So I thought I’d post a different picture of her to reveal her true beauty. She's the babe in the middle : ) Ow Ow.